tired, not tired?

Does it occurs to you, that sometimes when you're alone in the middle of the night like this, you're thinking that no matter how much efforts you put on to something that you really care for, the result will still be the same?

You think that maybe this way will lead to happier outcome compared to another way, but then, the truth is nothing's changed, given that you are the only one that trying hard to make it work. And sometimes, I do feel like givin' it all up. Whatever happen, will happen.

You totally have no power in it. I guess someone was right then, "when something really matters to you, you'll give it all you got to make it work."

Pity me, as no one is listening to me, the tears that I cried in my heart. I'm tired. just plain tired.

gggrr..grrr...

eeee!! kdg2 kn, rs mrh dgn diri sndiri! mase before exam aritu, pnye la bsmgt nk buat sume bnde, tmasuk update blog la, edit gmba la, pastu dan2 nk tgok sume cte, x sdr diri ad 1 paper. tapiii.. bile dh abes exm, mak ai! pnye la mls nk buat sume bnde *sigh*

arini mmg bkn hr yg produktif utk sy. I just managed to wash my clothes, other than that? no improvement. pdhal dlm waiting list, byk kot bnde nk buat @__@ sy sgt malas. mengapakah? uwaa..

and then, when it was time to write somethin' on this blog, suddenly this one thought hit my mind, hard! "rs mcm x best je ape yg aku tulih kt blog." "ad ke org bc?" "omg, sume yg aku tulih ni, was it a crap?" lebih kurang mcm tu la aku pk. pastu trus x jd tulis. pdhal mase dlm kete, kt shopping mall, tgh mkn, tgh bjln, idea utk menulis sntiasa ad. tp tgn je yg xd kekuatan utk menaip. what the fish aishah??

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do you know what hurts the most? when you think that someone you truly care for, is the person that most understanding you in and out. and at some point, it turned out to be wrong. it is the same person that you thought most understand you, is the one who do not understand you at all. after all what you've been doing all this time is trying to follow the right path, that person seem to be dislike it for a reason that I do not understand at all.

and that person keeps on hurting me as much as I try to take care of that person's feelings, heart etc etc. I do my best to make a relation between human as wonderful as possible, without breaking any law..but...

I am not perfect, yet I'm just some random human with feelings. I've reached my limitation of being patient, and I did try my best not to break anyone's heart. But somehow, it is me whose heart got broken in the first place, just for the sake of trying to protect others feelings.

I'm at my very lowest point in my life, right now. Whatever happen, will happen. Years and years of knowing someone is not a definite guarantee that it would have a happy ending.


footnote: credit to google for images.

why is this happening?

these past few days I'm not proud of what I've been doing. last-minute assignment, unaccomplished missionsss, n byk lg la keje yg asik ttangguh je. x tahu npe :(

adekah sudah ilang mood utk bljr? or I already lost my "taring" utk perform sehabis baik? rsnye dulu when I first register as a masters student, I promised myself to redeem back of what I have lost before. nk bsungguh2 wat lab, thesis.. mule2 dlu ok, tp skrg rs cm hampeh je.. apo kono eh jang?

I think I have everything that I want, and even things that I don't want that much. I just have to read, write and learn. ape yg susah aku pn x tahu *sigh* siyesly rs mcm mls gilersssss nk blaja. rs cm x saba nk carik keje... tp bile keje dugaan die lain pulak. x bleh nk hu ha mcm zaman blaja. cuti pun x byk mcm skrg. at least skang kalo rs mls g lab pndai2 la create excuses yg logik2. heh.

adekah sy manusia yg x bersykur? ya Allah, mntk2 simpang la dr bnde yg x baik itu. n lately rs smyg pun x kusyuk, asik terpikir mcm2 mase smyg. smpi asik pening pale je.. :(

YA ALLAH, AKU HARAP KERJA INI ADALAH KERJA YG AKU MMPU BUAT, SUKA BUAT, DAN ENGKAU BERKATI. AMIN.

mixed up feeling

finally it has stopped raining now. n cuaca pun nyaman dan sejuk je and of course, perasaan pun akan rs nyaman.. but im not! xtau nape, ptg2 yg sejuk n best cmni, ad 1 perasaan yg x best. i dont know how to describe it. heartless? nope! numb?? yes, i guess "numb" is the right word to describe my feeling right now.

ntah la, tibe2 rs takut sume yg di plan xkn jadi. im not indicating on a specific plans, but plan2 yg mmg dh dirancang b4 nih.. (ayat pun dh x btul dh nih).. tbe2 terpk, mcm mane kalo sume yg dirancang x jdik, dan xkn jdik smpi bile2, smpi mase yg aku sndiri pun x tau bile..

and tbe2 terpk, rs sedih sgt tgok org lain dh achieve diorg pnye dream, and i cannot stop wondering whether my dream will be as good ad theirs, or even better?

hmm... hari yg x best utk aku hari ni...

.............wondering

have you ever feel hopeless and wish you were as perfect as others could be?

i'm feeling that right now. right at this very moment *sigh*

my heart says...

hi hi people.. it's been almost a week i havent updated my blog. the desire to spend time in front of the computer writing blog is quite faint. perhaps it's due to my busyness this past couple weeks. have to go to the main campus to pick up my graduation robe. went here and there with my friends, maklum la nk grad. everything have to settle as quickly as possible. furthermore, im working on my proposal's correction. just submit it this morning.hope everything will be ok.
despite all of that, there are a few things that seem to hurt my heart a lil' bit. gaji x msuk lg. :( i really2 wish, so very really wish that tomorrow will be the day where i can get my salary and settle all my debts. apart from that, it's my graduation day that gets me worried. of course my parents are gonna be here, xkn la nk mgharap duit diorg sj. teringin gk nk bg diorg rs senang.

there are also other things yg mmbuat sy berjauh hati. but its ok i guess. people are people. we cant control on how they think of us. yg pnting, aku x sushkn sape2 n anything that might happen or will happen, aku tanggung sendiri. someone has taught me to be strong, to handle everything on my own without making other people's lives miserable. but im only a human, sometimes i cant afford to take care of everyone's heart gracefully. so, forgive me for my unpleasant way of treating you people.

this week gonna be busy with my graduation things. happy? nope, i dont feel a thing at all. maybe it's too early. hehe..

till next time..

*sigh*

good evening guys.. its already 5 o'clock in the evening, but i dont feel any enthusiasm for anything today. not at all. sometimes, there's this one small thing, a least bit small., that when u know the truth, it hurts u.. not much, but enough to make your day gloomy. *sigh*. i hate this kind of feeling.
am i the only one with bad luck? or less lucky than others i might say? sy mau gembira semula tnpa perlu pk bnde2 yg menyebabkan saya berjauh dan berkecil hati dgn org lain.

im not perfect, and so are you.

i hate it when people say something so negative to me that makes me wanna punch them in the face! i know ignorance is blessing but sometimes i just cant avoid being irritated, until at one point, i'll say to myself.. "teruk sgt ke aku ni?" it doesn't matter whether the comment related to me physically or mentally, but occasionally, it does hurt a lot! i dont wanna be afraid of myself, dont wanna be someone who cannot accept herself with a big heart n penuh kesyukuran. its the people out there that kill the spirit in you, the determination to change to a better person.

i live my own life, do my own things. screw you!

and i know, i cant avoid all those bad talking forever. i gotta be strong, just keep pushing on (miley cyrus's lyrics - the climb)

til next time..

the biggest loser

hi all..

today, my entry will be fully english.. (sj sbb dh lme x wat english essay.. hehe).

this evening, when i was watching tv, i managed to watch this one program at hallmark channel, which they called "the biggest loser". i think any of you mush have watched this program at least once, right? well, it was the season 1 finale, and at that time, they were finding the winner who would get around 250,000 based on the biggest weight they lost during the program.

the thing that attracts me the most is when they show those people before and after they undergo the training program. there was this one woman who was crying while she said that most of the people out there judging her based on her weight, and not because of the real her. and there was this one guy, who said that he wanted to show to all those people out there that we can do anything, anything at all as long as we have the determination to do that. turns out he's the winner with the biggest lost of his weight, around 100++ pounds. he used to have female boobs (trust me, die sgt2 overweight).. hehe. it touches me to the most because as we all know, most of the people only judge us by the way we look, how we appear, and less of them know the real us. and they tend to hurt us sometimes, with their unappropriate words, criticizing our physical. sometimes, its the heart that matters the most.think about it.

later this evening, the rain's pouring down, thx god. dpt la merase ptg yg nyaman. i managed to sip a hot coffee while reading my twilight 3rd book kt laman umah. sangat2 nyaman.

ok.. gtg. my sis sgt2 la x sabar nk gune tenet nih. huh!

til next time..