Another dream...

Hari ni mimpi ayah lagi. First time ayah senyum sampai nampak gigi. Bulan ramadhan memang bulan yang penuh berkat kan. Mesti ayah balik rumah, tengok ktorg semua.. tak sabarnya nak balik..

Suddenly rasa rindu yang teramat kat ayah. Teringat lagi last puasa tahun lepas bukak puasa ramai2 kat Jeram. 

Ayah's pic ramadhan tahun lepas. Ayah & Savvy mmg tak dpt dipisahkan.. Kereta yg banyak berjasa kat aku, the same exact car yg hantar aku masuk USM..

Above all, aku redha ayah pergi. But I can't help it when sometimes I feel the sudden emotion that's so strong, undeniable, and painstakingly hard to avoid.

God has greater plans for all of us, doesn't He? He's always with me, I know..

ayah 2

I miss him.. On this beautiful Friday, I really really miss him...

I'm all adult now, but deep inside, I'm still my daddy's little girl. There are just too many things that we haven't done together yet, and too many things I haven't done for him....

I miss you, ayah...

Aishah rindu sangat2 kat ayah...

ayah

today marks the 2nd months of my dad leaving us, leaving the world menuju ke alam barzakh. And yet, I feel like it was only happening 2 hours ago.

Memang redha, but put yourself in my shoes. Pemergian yg sgt mengejut, akan mengambil masa yg lama untuk sembuh, compare dengan kita tengok dia sakit depan mata.. Apepun, hidup perlu diteruskan.. Aku redha dgn ketentuan Allah.. Dia perancang yang Maha Hebat. Ujian ni sangatlah sedikit kalau nk dibandingkan dengan ujian2 yg diturunkan untuk Nabi Muhammad s.a.w dan para sahabat kn? Someday, somehow, kita semua akan ke sana juga.

Apa perasaan korang kalau terjumpa dgn kenderaan yg sama that took away the life of your loved ones? yes, pagi semalam ternampak lori yg langgar arwah ayah kat sini, nibong tebal. rasa macam jantung ngan masa terbenti sekejap. pegang stering kete pun macam tak pegang dah..

rasa macam nak turun dari kete pastu nk pi cakap kt drebar tu.."lori ni yg langgar bapak saya, tau x??!!" tapi tu semua angan2 mat jenin je..kalau pikir2 pun, lori tu x salah.. ayah mmg tbe2 tjatuh, and the lorry was there, as destined by God. bukan dia yg langgar ayah ke ape, cuma badan ayah terkena skit kt tayar lori tu..

bila tngok badan ayah, rasa macam x percaya ayah kene langgar dgn lori, sebab luar ALHAMDULILLAH sempurna sgt2.. aku bersyukur tak terhingga kat tuhan. kepala sikit pun x pecah, koyak or ape2.. cuma kt dagu ayah je ada luka kecik.. cuma dalaman ayah yg mmg teruk & x dpt diselamatkan..

selalu jugak mimpi ayah datang, senyum2 pastu ayah pergi.. adik ada mimpi ayah jugak, adik tanya mcm mana boleh eksiden, tapi ayah senyap je, smbil senyum2 ayah geleng kepala..

terasa memang berat sgt2 dugaan ni, separuh semangat hilang terus. kalau dulu, balik rumah rasa sgt2 excited nk jmpa ayah, jumpa umi.. tapi skrg, bila balik drive sorg2, perasaan rs lemah, lesu.. rumah tu pun mcm x bermaya sekarang.. rasa kosong sangat, besar sangat rumah tu...

al-fatihah utkmu ayah. insyaAllah satu hati nanti jika diizinkan tuhan, kita semua akan jumpa di sana... I miss you, I love youu.. so much! tak puas rasanya cium ayah banyak2 hari tu.. if and only if, I could spend one more day with you.....

ni la lori yg langgar ayah, tahu lori ni sebab aku ingat plat no dia.. sampai mati akan aku ingat. tp sgt2 x sangka bleh tjmpa kt sini, masa otw hantar eka pi usm main campus..

lost.

sometimes I wonder, does life being unfair to me or is it the other way around? Is it me? or is it me that is lack of planning, and thus, things didn't go as planned? or is it me who didn't know how to grab things at its best? and thus, I'm falling apart?

I don't know. All I know now is I feel lost. I feel something is missing. I feel distance. I feel hopeless, I feel nothing and something at the same time. I feel like I'm wasted my precious times. I feel like I'm the one who should be blamed.

Oh Allah, only You know what's best for me. Forgive me for all of my wrongdoings, forgive me..

kaki & kerusi

what is it with me & the chair? minggu ni je dah 3x kaki langgar kerusi.. and this one is the worst! kuku nk tercabut..! memang selalu macam ni.. dulu masa undergrad dah kene, sampai bengkok jari kaki. 4 hari lepas kene, hari ni kene lagi.. dang!

some people talking about making something memorable today, I guess I did mine already!

but hey, memang tarikh hari ni cantik, tapi tak perlu taksub sangat okay, it's just a number. Jangan sampai akidah kita tergugat.

entry after midnight..

everytime I look at those pictures, my heart's aching. I know I shouldn't feel that way, but I just can't help it..

That should be me.... Ironically, I keep on repeating the song by Justin Bieber, That Should Be Me... aha!

on the other hands, I think I'm getting good at doing things consistently, except for a few minor things that I should really work my butt off! Giddy up lazy ass!

and I'm superliking this statement at the moment, "do not wait for things to happen, you MAKE them happen!" and yes, I did make 'em happen! Abaikan saja mereka2 yg suka menunggu bagai bulan jatuh ke riba itu! I hope I'm not givin' up on anything, anything at all, yet..

p/s: rest in peace Marco Simoncelli.. he died during the race at Sepang GP circuit, at such a young age. That reminds me, ajal tak mengenal usia...

Book

I don't think I'd be able to finish reading this book, The Last Song by Nicholas Sparks. Apparently the author seems to know how to shed some tears off of me.. Starting from page 365, my eyes keeps on blurring by the tears. Sedih sangat baca part ayah-anak when the father tries really hard to tell his daughter and son about the terminal cancer.. Tiba2 teringat kat ayah sendiri.. and the tears finally streaming down my face when I was reading page 407.

" I want you to know that you're the best son a dad could hope to have. I've always been so proud of you and I know you're going to grow up and do wonderful things. I love you so much."

"Every time the light shines through the window we built, or any window at all, you'll know I'm right there with you....i'll be the light in the window...."

sob3....

I'm a very sensitive person, and my emotion can be easily touched, lagi2 bila part yang involve ayah&ibu nih, tak kisahlah pasal apa2 pun. The tears senang sangat2 nak keluar, malu pulak dekat roomate, bace buku pun boleh menitik2 air mata..



p/s: buku ni dah difilemkan , but I haven't watch it yet. Nak tunggu habis baca dulu, baru tengok. Dari haritu asik tangguh2 je nak habiskan baca. ish3..

thanks to google for the image.

i don't need you, or you, or you!

sedih bila semua bnda yg kita buat, ade saje yg tak kene di mata seseorang.

salah ke?

so, x perlu buat ape2 lg untuk impress sape2.. buat habes beras je. sikit pun org tak hargai.

moral of the story? - jgn duk sibuk terhegeh2 sayang kat org lain lebih dr syg diri sendiri. some people really don't know how to appreciate you kindness, your affection towards them!

yg penting, tuhan tetap ade dgn kita 24/7..

orang lain, bleh blah! konon cakap itu ini, tapi die pun 2 x 5 jugak. hampeh!

it's a lesson worth remembering.

Chris Medina and I

is it me, being over sensitive, or is it the song? actually, lama dh dengar lagu ni, and I haven't listen to it for quite sometime. td, tgh kobek2 music folder, trus add lagu ni kt playlist. pastu tibe2... tersentak! trus ingat kt dia.. and I straightaway google him..

and I tell you, this is the first ever song that makes me shed some tears without any force. even dengar lebih dari 3x, I try to sing it while looking at the lyrics, and I couldn't! air mata asik kuar je.. sensitip betul ptg nih.. try nyanyi 2nd time br okay, tp kali ni x dapat nk smbung kt chorus. it penetrates deep inside my heart! terus ingat kt naim...

to Chris Medina, you are the most amazing guy I've ever witnessed. You are no ordinary man.

and to you, I dedicate this song for you. if God permits, we shall be together soon, and I don't care how late it might me, I'll be waiting for you...till forever do us part.. insyaAllah... I'm gonna be by your side, I would never leave when you need me most...

____________________________________________________________________

Chris Medina - What Are Words

Anywhere you are, I am near
Anywhere you go, I'll be there
Anytime you whisper my name, you'll see
How every single promise I keep
Cuz what kind of girl would I be
If I was to leave when you need me most

What are words
If you really don't mean them
When you say them
What are words
If they're only for good times
Then they don't
When it's love
Yeah, you say them out loud
Those words, They never go away
They live on, even when we're gone

And I know an angel was sent just for me
And I know I'm meant to be where I am
And I'm gonna be
Standing right beside her tonight
Chris Medina What Are Words lyrics found on http://www.directlyrics.com/chris-medina-what-are-words-lyrics.html

And I'm gonna be by your side
I would never leave when she needs me most

What are words
If you really don't mean them
When you say them
What are words
If they're only for good times
Then they don't
When it's love
Yeah, you say them out loud
Those words, They never go away
They live on, even when we're gone

Anywhere you are, I am near
Anywhere you go, I'll be there
And I'm gonna be here forever more
Every single promise I keep
Cuz what kind of guy would I be
If I was to leave when you need me most

I'm forever keeping my angel close..

bersabar wahai hati

when something unpleasant happened to us, the best thing that we can do as a humble human being is, berserah kpdNya, yakin yg maybe buat mase ni, bnde ni bukan tbaik utk kite, tp pasti akan jd tbaik nnt. tapi.... kalo bnde tu bukan salah kite, and yet yg kne bad consequence tu adlh kite, for sure hati akan jd lebih perit dan pedih utk trime kenyataan tu..

bersabarlah wahai hati.. hnya Dia yg lebih mengetahui segalanya.

real purpose of my blog

Sometimes, I forget the sole purpose of this blog, that is to share the ups and downs of my life. bila rs sedih, rs happy, terasa, or ape2 rs la.. I was too eager to write something that I feel most people would love to read, but in the end, I got lost! I should have listened to what my heart says, i guess. pedulikn la iklan2 tu sume, or perasaan utk mengimpress org lain dgn my writing.

Just like today, I feel sad, sbb bnde yg aku paling nak skrg ni, rs mcm x tercapai je. It's getting farther away as each day goes by. I tried really hard to get that thing, as it was my very first time I felt soooooooo into it! so, bile sume bnde yg spttnye jd senang, tbe2 x jd seperti yg dirancang, hanya kerana kesilapan org lain. dan org lain tu x bkn adlh family kita sndiri. so how should I react? mad? sad? angry? fury? revenge? rs mcm x patut kn rs mcm tu dgn family sndiri.

tapi..... kalo dh sll sgt jd mcm tu.. apo nk dikato? when everything that you own and you want, and one of your closest family pun nk jgk mcm tu.. ape kate org, copycat kn? and obviously pulak tu! aku nk tong sampah, die pun nk tong sampah! haish! siyesly rs bengang yg amat.. can't you just stick to your own ? without having to entirely copy most of my belongings?? mmg, org akan cakap.. "normal la tu, dh nme pun family kn?" tp kalo sll sgt, jdik cam abnormal pulak. and I dont even know how to react at this moment, other than to feel mad & sad! xpe la, rezeki die kot.. tp. satu pesanan utk si dia "ko mmg x kn puas ati kn dgn ape yg aku ad kn? sume aku buat, sume ko nk tiru.. just go and find you own damn way!"

bak kata org, Allah xkn mnzalimi hambaNya. maybe ape yg kite nk tu x ckup baik utk kte skrg, and maybe Dia ad sesuatu yg lebih besaaarrr dr ape yg kita nak, and of course, way better dr ape yg kte nak.. *mode berserah pd Yang Esa*..

and right now, it was raining heavily here. As heavy as my heart feels. :(

this is the view through my window. it's raining heavily!

p/s: sgt bengang dgn seorang kakitangan di sini yg handle elaun kami cm tuttt! rs cm org bodo je cek kt tenet byk kali, tgok dh masuk ke x.. tp tak! hampeh.

tired, not tired?

Does it occurs to you, that sometimes when you're alone in the middle of the night like this, you're thinking that no matter how much efforts you put on to something that you really care for, the result will still be the same?

You think that maybe this way will lead to happier outcome compared to another way, but then, the truth is nothing's changed, given that you are the only one that trying hard to make it work. And sometimes, I do feel like givin' it all up. Whatever happen, will happen.

You totally have no power in it. I guess someone was right then, "when something really matters to you, you'll give it all you got to make it work."

Pity me, as no one is listening to me, the tears that I cried in my heart. I'm tired. just plain tired.

qurban, anyone?

oh.. it is almost certain aku x balik raya haji ni. FIRST time ok, before ni x pnh x balik time raya.. sume raya aku balik. tp apekn daya, keadaan kewangan x mengizinkan :( I just went home early of this month, and mind you, I did spend lotss of money during that time! not to blame anyone, but me, sbb time tu ingt duit byk, skali pokai dh. what to do, overspending is my middle name *sigh*

so, this upcoming salary, I seriously need to manage my expenses carefully! because something huge is coming up! *tp tanak mention ape2, sbb xd itam putih lg* tanak dh jd mcm ni.. mampu ke tidak eh? I dunno.... just wait and see then..

it is still raining. I feel sad already, cos I do miss my mom :'(

by the way, SELAMAT HARI RAYA AIDILADHA KPD SELURUH MUSLIMIN & MUSLIMAT.

love?

These past few days byk kali kot rs x sihat. Pening, nk demam, sume ade. I guess it was the weather that caused these unhealthy changes kot. Tiap2 ari hujan, pastu panas yg btul2 panas. Agaknya aku kurang mnum air masak kot..bape byk kot aku tulih pun aku x tau...

Lately there are so many things that came across my mind. Unfortunately, they weren't nice things. Betul ke eh, the longer the time we know that someone, the level of love and passion will reduce gradually? Meaning that the time is inversely proportional with the love given.. Not to mention, the lack of attention and sume yg kte cakap, luahkan, ibarat masuk telinga kanan, kuar telinga kiri..

I'm still figuring this thing out. Hmm.. Agak sedih kalau bnde ni betul.